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Jiddu Krishnamurti talk on Marriage
Questioner: Marriage is a necessary part of any organized society, but you seem to be against the institution of marriage. What do you say? Please also explain the problem of sex. Why has it become, next to war, the most urgent problem of our day?

Jiddu Krishnamurti: To ask a question is easy, but the difficulty is to look very carefully into the problem itself, which contains the answer. To understand this problem, we must see its enormous implications. That is difficult, because our time is very limited and I shall have to be brief; and if you don’t follow very closely, you may not be able to understand. Let us investigate the problem, not the answer, because the answer is in the problem, not away from it. The more I understand the problem, the clearer I see the answer.

If you merely look for an answer, you will not find one, because you will be seeking an answer away from the problem. Let us look at marriage, but not theoretically or as an ideal, which is rather absurd; don’t let us idealize marriage, let us look at it as it is, for then we can do something about it. If you make it rosy, then you can’t act; but if you look at it and see it exactly as it is, then perhaps you will be able to act.

Now, what actually takes place? When one is young, the biological, sexual urge is very strong, and in order to set a limit to it you have the institution called marriage. There is the biological urge on both sides, so you marry and have children. You tie yourself to a man or to a woman for the rest of your life, and in doing so you have a permanent source of pleasure, a guaranteed security, with the result that you begin to disintegrate; you live in a cycle of habit, and habit is disintegration.

To understand this biological, this sexual urge, requires a great deal of intelligence, but we are not educated to be intelligent. We merely get on with a man or a woman with whom we have to live. I marry at 20 or 25, and I have to live for the rest of my life with a woman whom I have not known. I have-not known a thing about her, and yet you ask me to live with her for the rest of my life. Do you call that marriage?

As I grow and observe, I find her to be completely different from me, her interests are different from mine; she is interested in clubs, I am interested in being very serious, or vice versa. And yet we have children – that is the most extraordinary thing. Sirs, don’t look at the ladies and smile; it is your problem. So, I have established a relationship the significance of which I do not know, I have neither discovered it nor understood it.

It is only for the very, very few who love that the married relationship has significance, and then it is unbreakable, then it is not mere habit or convenience, nor is it based on biological, sexual need. In that love which is unconditional the identities are fused, and in such a relationship there is a remedy, there is hope. But for most of you, the married relationship is not fused. To fuse the separate identities, you have to know yourself, and she has to know herself. That means to love.

But there is no love – which is am obvious fact. Love is fresh, new, not mere gratification, not mere habit. It is unconditional. You don’t treat your husband or wife that way, do you? You live in your isolation, and she lives in her isolation, and you have established your habits of assured sexual pleasure. What happens to a man who has an assured income? Surely, he deteriorates. Have you not noticed it? Watch a man who has an assured income and you will soon see how rapidly his mind is withering away. He may have a big position, a reputation for cunning, but the full joy of life is gone out of him.

Similarly, you have a marriage in which you have a permanent source of pleasure, a habit without understanding, without love, and you are forced to live in that state. I am not saying what you should do; but look at the problem first. Do you think that is right? It does not mean that you must throw off your wife and pursue somebody else. What does this relationship mean? Surely, to love is to be in communion with somebody; but are you in communion with your wife, except physically? Do you know her, except physically?

Does she know you? Are you not both isolated, each pursuing his or her own interests, ambitions and needs, each seeking from the other gratification, economic or psychological security? Such a relationship is not a relationship at all: it is a mutually self-enclosing process of psychological, biological and economic necessity, and the obvious result is conflict, misery, nagging, possessive fear, jealousy, and so on. Do you think such a relationship is productive of anything except ugly babies and an ugly civilization?

Therefore, the important thing is to see the whole process, not as something ugly, but as an actual fact which is taking place under your very nose; and realizing that, what are you going to do? You cannot just leave it at that; but because you do not want to look into it, you take to drink, to politics, to a lady around the corner, to anything that takes you away from the house and from that nagging wife or husband – and you think you have solved the problem.

That is your life, is it not? Therefore, you have to do something about it, which means you have to face it, and that means, if necessary, breaking up; because, when a father and mother are constantly nagging and quarrelling with each other, do you think that has not an effect on the children? And we have already considered, in the previous question, the education of children.

So, marriage as a habit, as a cultivation of habitual pleasure, is a deteriorating factor, because there is no love in habit. Love is not habitual; love is something joyous, creative, new. Therefore, habit is the contrary of love; but you are caught in habit, and naturally your habitual relationship with another is dead. So, we come back again to the fundamental issue, which is that the reformation of society depends on you, not on legislation. Legislation can only make for further habit or conformity.

Therefore, you as a responsible individual in relationship have to do something, you have to act, and you can act only when there is an awakening of your mind and heart. I see some of you nodding your heads in agreement with me, but the obvious fact is that you don’t want to take the responsibility for transformation, for change; you don’t want to face the upheaval of finding out how to live rightly.

And so the problem continues, you quarrel and carry on, and finally you die; and when you die somebody weeps, not for the other fellow, but for his or her own loneliness. You carry on unchanged and you think you are human beings capable of legislation, of occupying high positions, talking about God, finding a way to stop wars, and so on. None of these things mean anything, because you have not solved any of the fundamental issues.

Then, the other part of the problem is sex, and why sex has become so important. Why has this urge taken such a hold on you? Have you ever thought it out? You have not thought it out, because you have just indulged; you have not searched out why there is this problem. Sirs, why is there this problem? And what happens when you deal with it by suppressing it completely – you know, the ideal of Brahmacharya, and so on? What happens? It is still there. You resent anybody who talks about a woman, and you think that you can succeed in completely suppressing the sexual urge in yourself and solve your problem that way; but you are haunted by it.

It is like living in a house and putting all your ugly things in one room; but they are still there. So, discipline is not going to solve this problem – discipline being sublimation, suppression, substitution – , because you have tried it, and that is not the way out. So, what is the way out? The way out is to understand the problem, and to understand is not to condemn or justify. Let us look at it, then, in that way.

Why has sex become so important a problem in your life? Is not the sexual act, the feeling, a way of self-forgetfulness? Do you understand what I mean? In that act there is complete fusion; at that moment there is complete cessation of all conflict, you feel supremely happy because you no longer feel the need as a separate entity and you are not consumed with fear. That is, for a moment there is an ending of self-consciousness, and you feel the clarity of self-forgetfulness, the joy of self abnegation.

So, sex has become important because in every other direction you are living a life of conflict, of self-aggrandizement and frustration. Sirs, look at your lives, political, social, religious: you are striving to become something. Politically, you want to be somebody, powerful, to have position, prestige. Don’t look at somebody else, don’t look at the ministers. If you were given all that, you would do the same thing. So, politically, you are striving to become somebody, you are expanding yourself, are you not?

Therefore, you are creating conflict, there is no denial, there is no abnegation of the `me’. On the contrary, there is accentuation of the `me’. The same process goes on in your relationship with things, which is ownership of property, and again in the religion that you follow. There is no meaning in what you are doing, in your religious practices. You just believe, you cling to labels, words. If you observe, you will see that there too there is no freedom from the consciousness of the `me’ as the centre.

Though your religion says, `Forget yourself’, your very process is the assertion of yourself, you are still the important entity. You may read the Gita or the Bible, but you are still the minister, you are still the exploiter, sucking the people and building temples.

So, in every field, in every activity, you are indulging and emphasizing yourself, your importance, your prestige, your security. Therefore, there is only one source of self-forgetfulness, which is sex, and that is why the woman or the man becomes all-important to you, and why you must possess. So, you build a society which enforces that possession, guarantees you that possession; and naturally sex becomes the all-important problem when everywhere else the self is the important thing.

And do you think, Sirs, that one can live in that state without contradiction, without misery, without frustration? But when there is honestly and sincerely no self-emphasis, whether in religion or in social activity, then sex has very little meaning. It is because you are afraid to be as nothing, politically, socially, religiously, that sex becomes a problem; but if in all these things you allowed yourself to diminish, to be the less, you would see that sex becomes no problem at all.

There is chastity only when there is love. When there is love, the problem of sex ceases; and without love, to pursue the ideal of Brahmacharya is an absurdity, because the ideal is unreal. The real is that which you are; and if you don’t understand your own mind, the workings of your own mind, you will not understand sex, because sex is a thing of the mind. The problem is not simple. It needs, not mere habit-forming practices, but tremendous thought and enquiry into your relationship with people, with property and with ideas. Sir, it means you have to undergo strenuous searching of your heart and mind, thereby bringing a transformation within yourself. Love is chaste; and when there is love, and not the mere idea of chastity created by the mind, then sex has lost its problem and has quite a different meaning.

Source: New Delhi, India, 3rd Public Talk, 19th December, 1948

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Never be faithful to your wife ?

Question – Osho, I know for sure that my wife is utterly faithful to me, but still doubt goes on lingering somewhere inside me. What should I do to get rid of the doubt?

Osho – Avinash,IN THE first place, why should you ask that she should be faithful to you? It is from there that doubt arises. The very desire that your wife should be faithful TO YOU is the beginning of doubt. Why? Who are you that she should be faithful to you? She should be faithful to herself, you should be faithful to yourself.

That’s what love is. If you love the woman, you would like her to be faithful to herself, because you would like her to be authentic. You would like her to be an individual in her own right. Why should you demand that she should be faithful to you? Who are you? – just a stranger.

YOU need not be faithful to her, you have to be faithful to yourself. This is my basic approach; it has to be understood well. Down the ages it has been said: be faithful to your husband, be faithful to your wife, be faithful to this and that. Nobody has told you: be faithful just to yourself.

And that’s exactly what my message is: be faithful to yourself. Then doubt disappears. Doubt is not good, but doubt is a by-product of a desire, a wrong desire – that she should be faithful to you. And how can you except anybody to be faithful to you? In that very expectation, you are asking something so unnatural that doubt will arise.

Who knows? – she may come across a beautiful man, far more beautiful than you are. And you know there are men who are far more beautiful. Fear, doubt, are bound to be there. Who knows? she may be getting fed-up with you!

In fact there is every possibility that you yourself are fed-up with yourself. You know how ugly you are, how ugly your habits are; she must have come to know by now. In the beginning things are different. When you meet a woman on the beach, just for a few hours things are different.

The full moon creates great illusions, and the ocean, and the vibrant air, and the silence, and the night, and the unknown territory… the woman. She is unknown to you, you are unknown to her; both would like to explore each other’s geographies. You are tremendously interested, she is, but once you have travelled the geography so many times, the same contours….

You know you are fed-up with your wife, so deep down the doubt arises that she may be fed-up with you. Don’t ask for faithfulness, ask for freedom. Give freedom so that you can have freedom. And if out of freedom you go on loving each other, it is beautiful. Out of freedom everything has beauty.

But out of a certain duty, if she even remains faithful to you, it has no value. When she comes across a beautiful man on the road and a longing arises in her heart to know this man, to be with this man, but she knows this is not right – she represses it. She has already gone away, she is no more with you. You may be holding her hand in your hand, but she is no more with you.

Her whole being has gone in that moment. She may not ever do anything, but in her fantasy, in her imagination… You cannot control her fantasy, you cannot control her imagination. In her dreams she may be making love to other people. And who makes love to one’s own husband in a dream? Have you ever heard of such a foolish woman or a foolish man? Have you ever made love to your own wife? – one always makes love to other people’s wives in dreams.

In dreams you are free and private. The magistrate is not there, the policeman is not there, the wife is not there, nobody is there. You are again free. So just on the surface you can fulfill formalities. The doubt is arising because you have a wrong expectation in the first place. I cannot help you to drop the doubt unless you drop the desire that your wife should be faithful to you.

Drop the desire that your wife should be faithful to you. Drop that, and then if you can create the doubt, it will be a miracle. Then how can doubt arise? We never go to the very root of problems, we only go on changing the symptoms. My help is available to you only to go to the deep root of the problem, to the very foundation of it. Change it there!

And you say, ”I KNOW FOR SURE THAT MY WIFE IS UTTERLY FAITHFUL TO ME.” How can you be so sure? You are just trying to convince yourself by using these words, that ”I am sure” – just using great words to hide something! You are not sure. See the cunningness of the mind. You are not sure, hence you are using the word ’sure’: ”I KNOW FOR SURE THAT MY WIFE IS UTTERLY FAITHFUL TO ME.”

Just faithfulness won’t do? Utterly faithful? Is there some doubt? Why UTTERLY faithful? A circle is simply a circle. You cannot say that this is a complete circle, UTTERLY circular. If it is a circle it is a circle! You cannot call it a perfect circle, because if it is not perfect it is not a circle, it must be something else. Watch, meditate on these words.

”BUT STILL,” you say, ”I DOUBT. SOMEWHERE DOUBT GOES ON LINGERING.” You doubt your wife? Are you certain about your faithfulness towards her? Maybe that’s why the doubt arises. You may be fooling around, if not actually, then in imagination. And then naturally the inference is there that your wife may be fooling around, if not actually, at least in imagination. And the male ego is such that it cannot allow even the wife to fool around in imagination.

The story is told of Mulla Nasruddin, who got married and spent a pleasant honeymoon with his bride. But one day he came to the office with a rather glum expression on his face. When his fellow clerks asked him what was bothering him he said, ”Gee, I pulled a terrible boner this morning. Getting out of bed I, like an absent-minded jackass, laid down a ten rupee note on the table.”

The other man consoled him. His wife wouldn’t think anything of it, they assured him.

”That isn’t what bothers me.” he answered. ”She gave me three rupees change!”

It may be your own mind. When a beautiful woman passes by, does something happen to you or not? Only in two cases will nothing happen: either you are dead or enlightened – which mean the same! Otherwise something is bound to happen. And then the suspicion: the same must be happening to your woman too, because she is as unenlightened as you are and as alive as you are. Maybe the doubt is there because you are not loving her as much as she would like you to love her.

And it happens to couples – how can you go on having the same peak of love that was there in the beginning, the honeymoon peak? One has to come down. Sooner or later one has to come down from the hills to the ordinary, mundane life.

Sooner or later one has to forget ali poetry, fantasy, romance. And then a fear arises: maybe I am not taking as much care as I should? Maybe this will become an opportunity for her to move with somebody else? Look into yourself….

A husband comes home and finds his wife in bed with a man. He is furious and wants to leave at once. The wife pleads, ”Give me a moment to explain. This man came to my door an hour ago and asked for something to eat. I gave him a sandwich.

I noticed that his shoes were worn out, so I looked in your closet and found a pair that you haven’t had on your feet for five years, and I gave him the shoes to put on. Then I saw that his jacket was very tom, so I went back to your closet and found a jacket that you haven’t worn for eight years. When he took his old jacket off to put yours on, I saw that his shirt was falling to pieces, so I opened your bureau drawer and gave him a shirt that you haven’t worn for the past twelve years.

Then as this man was going out of the door he turned to me and asked, ”Is there anything else around here that your husband doesn’t use?”

Avinash, it is not a question of your wife, it is a question of your own mind. Just look deep down… have you been with her? For how long have you not been with her? – I don’t mean physically, I mean spiritually. For how long have you not seen her face? – just remember; for how long have you not looked into her eyes? Figure it out, and you will be surprised that for years you have taken her for granted, and that may be the cause of your doubt.

Remember, problems are always part of your mind. Go deep into them. In the first place, don’t ask that she should be faithful to you; that is violent. Nobody has the right to ask anybody to be faithful towards him. Help her to be faithful towards herself.

And secondly, look inside your own being. Are you still in love with her? If you are, then the doubt is not possible. The doubt simply reflects that your love has disappeared. Life has become a drag; you have started taking her for granted.

Love is no more there. Now it is only a hangover, hence the doubt. Bring the love back, bring the poetry back, bring the romance back. And those who are intelligent, they can bring it back every day. Every morning they can look at the wife, at the husband, with fresh eyes.


Go on dying to the past experiences, so that you can remain available to the present, fresh, young, utterly intelligent, and then life has a totally different flavor. Then these stupid things don’t arise in the mind at all.

Source: from Osho Book “The Guest”

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How to keep excited in relationship?

[A sannyasin, returning to the West, says that the joy and fun has gone out of his relationship with his girlfriend, though the love is still there.]

Osho – There is some misunderstanding in your mind. The joy is not gone, joy has never been there – it was something else. It is excitement that has gone but you were thinking that excitement was joy. Joy will come now; when the excitement subsides only their does joy come. Joy is a very silent phenomenon. It is not excitement at all, it is not feverish at all.

It is tranquil, calm and cool. But in the West that misunderstanding has become very prevalent. People think that excitement is joy It is a kind of intoxication one feels occupied, tremendously occupied. In that occupation one forgets one’s worries, problems, anxieties. So it is like alcohol: you forget your problems, you forget yourself; at least for the moment you are far, far away from yourself. That is the meaning of excitement: you are no more inside; you are outside yourself, you have escaped from yourself.

But because of this being outside yourself, sooner or later you become tired. You miss the nourishment that comes from your innermost core when you are close to it. So no excitement can be permanent; it can only be a moment’s phenomenon, a momentary thing. All honeymoons end, they have to end, otherwise you will be killed. If you remain excited you will go berserk. It has to subside, you have to be nourished there again.

It is just as one cannot remain awake for many nights. For one night, two nights, three nights, it is okay, but if you remain awake for too many nights you will start feeling tired, utterly tired, exhausted. And you will start feeling dull and dead too; you will need rest. After each excitement there is a need for rest. In rest you recapitulate, you recover; then you can move into excitement again.

But excitement is not joy, it is just an escape from misery. Try to understand it very clearly: excitement is just an escape from misery. It gives only a pseudo experience of joy. Because you are no more miserable you think you are joyous – not to be miserable is equivalent to being joyous. Joy is a positive phenomenon. Not to be miserable is just a forgetfulness. The misery is waiting back home for you: whenever you come back it will be there.

When excitement disappears, one starts thinking ’Now what is the point of this love?’ In the West love dies with excitement, and that is a calamity. In fact love had never been born. It was just love of excitement, it was not real love. It was just an effort to move away from oneself It was a search for sensation. You rightly use the word ’fun’; it was fun but it was not intimacy. When excitement disappears and you just start feeling loving, love can grow; now the feverish days are over. This is the true beginning.

To me, the true love begins when the honeymoon is over. But by that time the western mind thinks that all is over, finished: ’Search for another woman, search for another man. Now what is the point in continuing? – there is no more fun!’

If you go on loving now, love will take on a depth, it will become intimacy. A great grace will arise in it. It will have a subtlety now, it will not be superficial. It will not be fun, it will be meditation, it will be prayer. It will help you to know yourself. The other will become a mirror, and through her you will be able to know yourself. Now is the time, the right time for love to grow because all the energy that was being channelled into excitement will not be wasted: it will be poured into the very roots of love and the tree will be able to have great foliage.

If you can go on growing in this intimacy, which is no more excitement, then joy will arise: first excitement, then love, then joy. Joy is the ultimate product, the fulfilment. Excitement is just a beginning, a triggering; it is not the end. And those who finish at excitement will never know what love is, will never know the mystery of love, will never come to know the joy of love. They will know sensations, excitement, passionate fever, but they will never know the grace that is love. They will never know how beautiful it is to be with a person with no excitement but with silence, with no words, with no effort to do anything.

Just being together, sharing one space, one being, sharing each other, not thinking of what to do, what to say, where to go, how to enjoy; all those things are gone. The storm is over and there is silence. And it is not that you will not make love but it will not be a making really; it will be love happening. It will happen out of grace, out of silence, out of rhythm; it will arise from your depths, it will not be bodily really.

There is a sex which is spiritual, which has nothing to do with the body. Although the body partakes in it, participates in it, it is not the source of it. Then sex takes on the colour of Tantra, only then.

So my suggestion is: watch yourself. Now that you are coming closer to the temple don’t escape. Go into it. Forget excitement, it is just childish. And something beautiful is ahead. If you can wait for it, if you have patience and can trust in it, it will come. And to know love is to know God….

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Q: Guruji, I think life is miserable. What should I do?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: You think life is miserable because you are hanging onto desires of the past, impossibles of the past, you are not accepting the present, you are not moving ahead or you are hoping for something too much. Correct? Be practical. Life is a mixture of problems and pleasure. What does your mind do? It messes up the problems and blows it out of proportion and makes oneself miserable. So who isresponsible for your misery? Yourself. So when is the program? When is the program not to be miserable? 

(Laughter) Now, right now have you gotten over your misery right now? (A dim ‘yes’ from the audience) The ‘Yes!’ should be louder (A strong ‘Yes’ this time). That is it.You know, if the room is dark for 20 years, it doesn’t take another 20 years to bring light in. it just needs one connection, one switch on and the whole darkness goes away. Your life may have been miserable in the past, but wake up and see, so what? Problems come and go in everybody’s life. Look at your past, problems came and they have all vanished. Right? We forcefully make the problem stay, just wake up and see, where is the problem? The problem is not there. You can have some physical problem in the body sometimes, some pain here and there but is there anyone who has never suffered physical illness?Everybody has some physical problem at some point in their lives and when you violate laws of nature, pain comes, suffering comes. Pain is inevitable, suffering isoptional.

Q: Guruji, is there any past birth and rebirth?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: This question is futile now. You know why? Because it is proven by the scientist community, it is beyond doubt now. Parapsychological department in psychological clinics have done experiments and past life regression is used as a therapy in most of the clinics and many people have gotten well. You can also do an eternity process hereand ask the teacher to take you deep in it. Have your experience, it’s not a big thing.It is beyond question now, it is a fact.

Q: How to overcome fear, anxiety and insecurity?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Fear, anxiety and insecurity are same shades of the same color. One is slightly brown, another is dark and the third one is the darkest brown. Grey is a better color, light, medium and dark gray. Meditation, pranayama and the faith that you are not alone, faith in the Divine will definitely help. Divine faith is very abstract, at least faith in the Guru, teacher is there, Master is there, faith in yourself, faith in the universal spirit, faith in the goodness of people around. There are good people in the world. When you thinkeverybody is wrong, everybody is bad then insecurity dawns. Suppose this is not your experience and you have found wrong people, who had deceived you all the time then at least look for good, enlightened people. Ok, now if you understand all this intellectual stuff and still anxiety comes, then what to do? Sudarshan Kriya,pranayama and meditation.

After the Tsunami (in South-east Asia, 2004), so many people could not sleep, they couldn’t even see the ocean. A lady witnessed her three to four children being washed away, she had a child in her arms and she couldn’t do anything for she had to look for her own self. Such incidents happened in front of so many people. So many families, somebody’s children, somebody’s wife, somebody’s parents were flooded away. All people were saying, ‘Take us anywhere but not the ocean’. And all those were fishermen. What would a fisherman do on mid land? After the earthquake, people couldn’t get into their homes. For days, people slept outside their houses on roads till our workers, our volunteers went there and taught them Pranayama, bhastrika and meditation, and then they went to their homes. That is where trauma relief, meditation, pranayama, Sudarshan Kriya helps tremendously. We have hundreds and thousands of such experiences and you should go through their experiences. In a matter of two days fishermen said, ‘Give us boats and we want to go out into the ocean’. They had come out of fear, anxiety.

This hashappened with thousands of people.I am telling you we have such beautiful knowledge, practices that can take us out of misery, worries, anxiety, conflicts and suicidal tendencies. Just in the recent past, 20 students in Bombay alone committed suicide. In Bombay, Maharashtra, suicidal tendency among youngsters is so high that we have announced that anybody having the slightest tendency to commit suicide, call us at the Art of Living helpline. Our volunteers and teachers are working 24×7 to help them out.

The YES!+ program (Youth empowerment seminar) has helped 1000s of youth to come out of suicidal tendencies. All this happens because we don’t see life from a bigger, broader perspective; A girl got 92 percent and committed suicide for she could not get admission in the college of her choice. Because you don’t give them spiritual education, a bigger vision and ask them to only perform and perform that the pressure of performing better, pressure of marks becomes bigger than life itself. Don’t pressurize children too much, we have to give them a broader vision. Never mind you lose one year. Life is more precious than your profession, your success, your so-called success, your finance, and your prestige in society. Finance is for life and not life for finance. These all are only periphery, accessories for life and not the core of life, existence. This vision has to be brought to children.

Wake up and see everybody is caught up in their own things. Whether your financial status goes up or down, whether your relation is going good or bad, who cares insociety? I tell you, nobody cares. Don’t worry about what others may think, what will my status in society be? If you are doing well they are jealous of you, if you are not doing well they don’t even count you. In either case, you don’t have to worry about others’ opinion about you, to show yourself up. And these inter cast marriages; parents are worried what others will think of their children. Who has got time to think to whom your son or daughter got married to?Whether it is in outcast or same, let it be, let it be outcast, you be more free, happy. (laughter and applause) These are silly, insignificant things that people have put in their minds and worry. Wake up and see, there is so much love in life, there is so much wisdom in life.

Q: Do impressions in the mind have a role to play in the next birth?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Yes, your impressions in the mind are responsible for your next birth. Your strongest impression is the factor.

Q: Yesterday, you said there is no significant purpose for the universe but it is also said that every individual is born for some purpose. Isn’t it contradictory?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Truth is contradictory. Every little thing has a purpose, at the same time, it has no purpose because this whole thing is a game. If you consider the world as a game, then there is no purpose. A game has no purpose, it is an expression of joy. Dance doesn’t have a goal because dance in itself is an expression of happiness.What is the purpose of you laughing? Does laughter have any purpose? You are happy, so you laugh. You don’t have to wait for a joke to laugh. You know, children don’tunderstand jokes but they laugh, babies do laugh. If you think jokes are the only reason for one to laugh then babies would never laugh till they understand your jokes. You have an illusion that you have to listen to a joke to laugh. Laughter has nopurpose because it is an expression of being, an expression of joy.

Love has no purpose because it is your very nature. The sun has no purpose to send its rays. If you ask me, why does sun shine, what does it achieve? I’ll say, ‘Oh my God, you are such a businessman, you need a purpose for everything!’ The sun shines because it is its nature. It can’t but shine. So, in this context, I said, ‘Whenever you think, ‘what is the purpose?’ you are caught up in the cause and effect phenomenon. 


No doubt, the cause and effect phenomenon is there, it is a law of nature but truth is beyond the cause and effect phenomenon. Divinity is much bigger, more vaster, Divinity is beyond that. It is much bigger and vaster, so in this sense I said, there is no purpose.Sun shines because it is its nature, wind blows because it is its nature. What is the purpose of the tsunami? Was it just to kill people? If it’s purpose was to kill people only then it must have hit only those areas in which people lived. But it hit those areas also where there were no people. Nature is beyond cause and effect or conclusion, theory, understanding or misunderstanding. It is the existence which is total, beyond purpose. So you can say, virtually there is no purpose. If at all you have to pin down to a purpose then the purpose of nature is to take you to the Source, is to remind you of the Source, connect you to your Source.



Q: How can the Self be love, joy and peace? Aren’t they all different?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Can there be joy without peace? (No, said the audience). If you want to make a distinction, then peace is very mild and always connected to disturbances, love is more to the heart and could be hate or love. Then joy, you find small or big joy. But they are all your nature. Like you can see, you can hear, you can smell, you can taste, but it is all you. There is something deep inside you which unifies all. All emotions are part of you. Their functions and expressions are different but all are in you. All arise in your mind. In this sense, they all are one, in another sense they are all different.

When you smile you are different, when you sleep you are different, when you eat you are different but all are you. In this sense, they all are one. When someone dies, people stand up and say, ‘Let’s have a moment of peace’. Certainly that is not a joyous occasion and nobody will say, ‘Let’s have a moment of joy,somebody has died’. In some joyful celebration, like marriage, people don’t say,‘Let’s have a moment of peace’, that will always be called a moment of joy. My dear, all are part of you, all arise in you and in that sense all are one, all are linked.




Q: What is thought, Why it comes and from where it comes?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Is this a thought? It came in you? Why did it come? Now find out. As soon as you realize this, the question is, itself, a thought and it has come in you, you have answers for the first two questions. And why does it come? Because of a lack of any other questions.Now I want you find its source. When you start finding source of thought, you have started on a journey for which you are here. Our journey is to find the source, from where this thought has arisen. I want all of you to be scientists. Scientist goes on experimenting, asking questions. It’s a very goodopportunity to find out where it comes from? What is its origin? Since it comes in you, you find its answer. If it doesn’t come in you and somebody else, then I’llanswer.



Q: There is so much conflict and violence in world in the name of religion. Is there a need of religion?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Communists opposed religion for 50 years. They didn’t get success. Communist people think religious people, especially in Russia and China are very authoritarian, they don’t give freedom. So they want to be done with religion but did they not unleash much more violence? In Stalin, Lenin and Mao Zedong, millions were massacred in the name of communism. Religion ruled with fear, fear of you being sent to hell. Religious leaders were authoritarian, trying to get hold of society by creating guilt and fear in people. Communist also did the same thing but not with guilt but with fear. They remove only guilt but they couldn’t remove fear, instead they instill more fear and violence in society. I don’t think communism did any better. It didn’t make people rich. After 50 years, people have come back. A big church in Moscow was demolished and a swimming pool was made instead of it. Today that swimming pool is demolished and a church is made again. I think it is humanism which is most important. If humanism is there in religion, it does good. And when humanism disappears from religion, it becomes like a mafia. In the same way, communism also ignored humanism. So when humanism went away, violence and fear dominated even in communism. These Maoists party! Did it do any good in the country, in all 213 districts? Itdidn’t make anybody rich. So you can’t be done away with religion.
We need to have inter-religious communication, inter-religion faith. Every child should know a little bit about other religions also. Yes, we don’t need religions if all become spiritual. If we can transform this world into a higher plane of religion, which is spirituality then it will really be an intelligent thing to do. But just opposing religion ascommunists do, can’t serve any purpose. It is like throwing the baby with the bath water. Because religion has some moral values, some human values, it gives somestrength and solace, and if you also take solace without replacing it with spirituality then you are doing injustice in the society.



Q: Why are love marriages and arranged marriages increasingly leading to divorces?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Yes, divorce is happening day by day while family values are eroding, the generation gap is widening and interdependence is being forgotten.Husband and wife forget that they are interdependent. They need each other and both look for independence. I haven’t done any research on this why this is happening. (laughter) but if some of you do that research and publish a paper it will be good. Atleast people will be aware of these pitfalls. Whether it is a love marriage or arranged marriage, marriage is always a chance, if it clicks it is a chance. Sometimes it may appear to have clicked for a short period of time but in the long run, it becomes a question mark. And vice versa also. Sometimes in the beginning it may appear to be completely incompatible but as time goes itbecomes very compatible. It is like a chameleon – changing colors all the time. If someone can see this, they have a hope. And if it appears to be not so, then move on without guilt because there is no point in suffering life long. If you have given 100 percent then you better move on your path and let the other move on his/her pathrather making the whole live of both, miserable. But the question is whether you have given your 100 percent, have you made all the effort to make it work? That is important.


Q: What is the importance of horoscope matching when it comes to marriage?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Astrology is a science but all astrologers are not scientists. (laughter) First of all, you don’t know whether the time of your birth and all other factors are right or not. Sometimes, we don’t keep records and there are variousfactors. There is probability in all those factors. So, if you find someone who is good, the astrologer says, ‘Good, it does have a value but it is always with a pinch of salt.’It is said that there was a great astrologer of this country and he made all thehoroscopes of his daughter. But his daughter’s marriage didn’t work. It was quoted as a probability factor.In all scientific experiments, there is always a probability factor – may be, may not be.So we must take it with that probability and not as definite.



Q: What is the difference between God (Parmatma) and Devta?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Parmatma is the sun, devta is its ray. Without the sun, there is no ray and without the ray, there is no sun. A ray has all seven colors, these all different devtas. God is the combination of all the seven colors. God is certainly not made of one color. When all colors combine, white is obtained and that is Parmatma. You can understand this like different organs – eyes, ears, nose, all combine to form you. Your eyes are different from ears, your nose is different from tongue but all is part of you. The totality of the whole creation, with all the energies is given a name and it is called Parmatma, Parampita (supreme father). In ancient terminology, God is called Parmatma, Parampita.
Why only Parampit , He is also Parammata (Supreme mother).Why should God be called father only? God is also the mother. God is father, mother and God is also the Self. All Gods, goddesses are like rays of the sun, one sunlight and all the rays together is God but these are all different aspects of God. All are different aspects of the one Divine like in one human being, one cell somewhere becomes the eyes, somewhere the ears, somewhere the nose, and all this has happened from one fertilized cell, embryo. So, God is the sum total of all Divine elements and in the Vedic times, ancient rishis identified all these elements and called then devtas. They designated 33 types of Divine energy and called them devta and they tell how these are connected with the cosmos, like the eyes are connected with the sun. They established connection between the micro cosmos and macro cosmos. …It is very amazing analysis, amazing science of unity of the universe. It is not too many Gods, it is aspects of God. Though you are one, you have different functions. When you sleep you are different, when you smile you are different, when you eat, you are different. Crore means category, 33 crores means 33 categories of devas. Crore is also a number, 10 million but here it is not referred to as a number. 33 crore means 330 million and so people started taking that way.

Q: What is difference between prayer and meditation?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Prayer is asking, meditation is listening. In prayer, you ask, ‘Give me this, give me that’, giving instructions, demanding. In meditation, you say, ‘I am here to listen, what is it that you want to tell? Tell me, whenever you are free, I am here. Culmination of prayer is meditation. Prayer goes to the peak and that is meditation.

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‘I am independent means I am inner dependent’
January 26, 2010(Below is the transcript of Satsang with Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.You can watch the Live webcast of future satsangs)

Q: Guruji, during the course I feel very good but once I go out, I feel misery again. What to do to get rid of that?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Imbibe this knowledge. Independence means depending on the inside. Your independence is only when you are dependent on the inside. You are miserable when you want things from others for your comfort. How much can you take? And even if you take everything, it is of what use? This is what I think. I am independent means I am inner dependent. So I want nothing from anybody. Just this aphorism, reminder of this, time and again, will take your mind, which is sticking to the outside, come to its center. You will feel the relief. Misery simply means you are stuck to the outside. Joy means you are in your element which is inside. If you depend on others for your comfort, you lose your joy. First, have this faith that nature will provide whatever I need or I deserve, it will never happen that nature doesn’t provide you with what you need. Secondly, I want nothing from anybody. And third whatever I have, be it be intelligence, great voice, qualifications, skill is only for others and not for me and I serve others as much as I can. Finish! Where is the misery then?

Q: Guruji, you love each one of us so much. I feel my love for you is much less as compared to your love for me. How can I increase my love for you?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: No way, you can’t increase your love. It is already there. You simply have to relax and realize it is there. Never question or doubt your love. You think, ‘Oh, others are having tears in their eyes and I am not having any’. Never mind, never look from at things that angle. Every child from the mother’s womb is complete. It is not that the first child is more complete than second and third is further less. Every mother knows that every child is full, complete.

 Same way your love is total, complete, at its height. Never doubt that and never compare it with others.If you feel your expression of love is less, it is because of your selfishness. All that you can do is be generous, be less selfish and you can’t do it overnight. Day by day, slowly be more generous, be more centered, and be more dispassionate. Then the love which is inside you, will start expressing itself.Even in the expression of love it should not be too much or too less. It should be the middle path. The problem in the world is that in the West, they express love too much. Husband and wife keeps on saying ‘honey’ and then they become diabetic (laughter), can’t touch honey any more. (laughter) It is just the opposite in the East, they never express love at all. Both ways are extreme. There should be a middle path. It’s like you want a seed to sprout, it neither sprouts when buried deep down in the soil nor when it is put on the top. It needs a little bit of soil and put in it and that’s it. Take the best of the orient and the best of the occidental. That is the middle path.
Q: What is surrender? Does that mean doing nothing and letting nature do whatever it wants to?
My feeling is yes. Let them happens what ever happens. But this does not mean one has to lazy. Basically it gives a lot of patience of working.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: This word ‘surrender’ has been used, misused and confused so many times. I think we should use some other word. (laughter) Just relax, be in your element, feel the connection, have a sense of belongingness. In fact, the connection is already there, you simply have to feel it. This is a better word. What is it that you have that you can surrender? Worries, anxiety, tension, and depression! And those, too, you don’t know how to surrender.I want to be done away with this word ‘surrender’. I want none of you to use this word hereafter. It’s like a straw out of which juice has already been taken out, like sugarcane straw that you keep chewing and nothing comes out of it. Some better word is to be used now. Let go, relax, feel the connection and that’s it.

Q: How to be one pointed on the path? There are so many distractions pulling us back.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: With wisdom, you come back. This very question tells you that that you are coming back, in fact, you have already come back, you are not distracted. Through wisdom or misery, you are brought back to the center. When you go off center, you are beaten, you start crying and then come back to your center. The wise come back to the center through wisdom. The not-so-wise face problems here and there and then come back to the center. This is the law of nature. This is how things are.

Q: In my country, most people are of the opinion that you can’t raise a child without a non – vegetarian diet, as the body will lack amino acids and the brain won’t function properly. What should I do?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Ample research has been done to contradict this theory. Look into that. There are millions of people who are vegetarian in the West and they are very brilliant. In fact, all the genius people in the West, including Einstein were vegetarian. Many of the top scientists have been vegetarian. This theory that the brain doesn’t work needs to be questioned.

Q: While Ayurveda is considered to be an indigenous system of medicine then why did English (allopathic) medicine have permission by a government to take over Ayurvedic medicines? Also English (allopathic) medicine claims to have a faster recovery rate?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: You know, statistics show contrary to this. Even in modern medicine, the probability factor of medicine not affecting is very high. Research says that the placebo effect with modern medicines is nearly 40 percent. 40 percent of the effect from medicines being administered can be brought about using a placebo. Modern medicines are being discovered every day and those which were used 10 – 12 years ago are being discarded. The problem is that these pharmaceutical companies have a lot of western interest. It is the economy which is ruling modern medicine rather than their effectiveness. I feel we should have a combined, holistic approach. Ayurveda has some very good qualities, allopathic medicines also have some very good aspects and also homeopathic. Holistic medicine is the best. It is wrong to completely discard modern medicine and it is equally wrong to discard natural cures, ayurveda. In case of emergency, allopathic does well and ayurveda has a unique way of attending to the root cause of disease. Not only symptoms but also healing without side effects. Today, much research has been done on this and many have experienced this. For instance: The probability of remission of piles by allopathic treatment is very high but in the case of Ayurveda it is less than one percent. These are the things one should adopt about Ayurveda. Ayurveda is, anyways, adopting modern methods of investigation. So, the best is to adopt the holistic approach. Our aim is not to benefit pharmaceutical companies but people.


Q: What is the spiritual path? How does one know if one is on the spiritual path?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Anything done to uplift your spirit, to make you walk towards the truth, that brings up human values within, that connects you to the innermost and outermost is spiritual. Meditation, pranayama, yoga, service, singing, chanting, creating happiness around you are all part of spirituality.If you create misery, then that is not spirituality. If you can create joy, it is spiritual. But not momentary joy. Such joy, in the long term, creates misery that is not spiritual. Alcohol, drugs can create momentary joy but they are not at all spiritual. That is the spirit.

Q: Krishna is ‘bhavana bhahit’. What does that mean?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: You have used some phrase, you tell its meaning.God is hungry for feelings. He doesn’t need your sweets or flowers. So if you sit with feelings, that is enough. See Krishna everywhere. Lord Krishna says in the Gita, “Wherever you see in any form, I am there. I am knowledge in a knowledgeable person, wherever there is knowledge I am there, I am strength in the strong, beauty in the beautiful, all is me”. Read the Gita deeply and best is to meditate. Be a yogi, yogi is the best.

Q: Why do some people not smile at others but are happy with themselves only? What is good? To maintain happiness with oneself or to be happy with people around also?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: (Jokingly) Ok, somebody didn’t smile at you and was smiling at himself being adjacent to you, is that your problem! (laughter) The world is like that, some people don’t smile at you, you don’t smile at someone. Leave others. Are you smiling? We maintain our smile that is good enough.

Everybody has one’s own set of problems and if that much compassion has arisen in you then you go and ask, ‘What is your problem? Why are you not smiling? Do you need any help?’ But then see whom are you asking (laughter) and in case you are slapped by someone, then give them your second cheek too. (Huge laughter) If that compassion is there, then ask everyone, ‘Why are you not smiling?’

Once in Switzerland, we were waiting for some conveyance and we saw that nobody on the road was smiling. I thought, everything is here and still people are not smiling. I had so many flowers with me and so I asked the devotees who were accompanying me to give flowers to those who were not smiling on the road and ask them to smile. That was such a fantastic program. After that we raised a wave called ‘Spread your smile’ in Netherland, France, Germany, Switzerland where people give flowers and said, ‘ Please smile and make others smile by passing on this flower’. Some people were shocked initially that nobody till that day bothered about their smile and suddenly somebody coming and asking them to smile.

But if you are in India, take care before giving flower to anybody. (laughter) Be a little cautious before giving a flower here in India. In India, if a girl smiles at a boy it is taken in a different sense. It is not normal, and a boy giving a flower to a girl is not taken as a very nice gesture. (Huge laughter) But in Europe, it is not considered bad. (Somebody from audience asked, ‘Let’s start this in New York also’.) Yes, we are doing there also, something called ‘A Rose of friendship, Pass it on’.

Q: Guruji, I am from Kerela. I want to ask – what does it mean to do puja (worship)?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: There is a saying that talks about puja. Yen ten prakaren,Yatra kutrapi dehina,Santosham janaye pragyaTadaye vishva lochanCreate patience in people. When you bring a wave of happiness, wherever you go, that is puja. Whatever way when you create happiness and patience, that is puja, truly worshiping God. How beautiful it is!

Q: Guruji there are mental hospitals for mentally challenged people, what is the place for people who are in love with the Divine?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: For them, this whole world is their own. Such madness is welcomed everywhere. Everybody will invite them; everybody will welcome them and would love to talk to them. Because they know, we spread such fragrance.

Q: I feel lustful at times. What to do and how to get rid of that?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: When there is no joy in life then lust increases in you because then you get joy in that only. But when you find joy in life otherwise also, then the frequency of such desires starts reducing. When you start finding joy in sadhna (spiritual practices), joy in service, joy in satsang, joy in devotion, joy in surrender – that is the only way to come out of lust. No other way exists. When all are done together slowly, you come out of lust. Otherwise, you will have to wait for age. May be then you will be out of it. You won’t be capable physically to do it but you get rid of it from the mind or not, that is not sure.No guarantee is there. Usually very old people see all obscene stuff and try to get satisfaction from it.

Q: South Indians are deep into rituals. Are rituals very important to reach the spiritual path or the ultimate goal?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Man can’t be without ritual. Let’s be clear about it. Today is the Republic Day of India. What happens today in New Delhi and the capitals of other states is a ritual. There is a particular way you walk, a particular way you hoist flag, a particular way you behave. It is a national ritual. Even in communist Russia in Kremlin, three guards shot three gunshots in the sky everyday and perform a ritual.This is a ritual. Human beings can’t be without rituals. If your ritual is meaningful and environment friendly, then all the more better. A wise ritual is offering flowers, lighting a candle, creating love, planting a tree, distributing sweets, these are rituals with more meaning. And not killing an animal, that is not at all a good ritual. We don’t have any right to transgress other life. Violence or anything that pollutes environment can’t be a ritual. It is not a kind gesture to nature. If caring for the planet is considered a ritual or worship, that is the best ritual.In ancient Vedic times this is what they designed or considered. In one other school of thought around the world, going to temples and give bali (animal sacrifice) is a ritual. I won’t approve of those inhuman rituals. Ritual should be something that uplifts your spirit, that which elevates your spirit.In ancient times they call ritual puja. Puja – pu means out of fullness and ja means born out of it. So when you do something with full of gratitude, it is ritual. Even that has been distorted today.Human beings can’t be done away with rituals altogether. You can’t say, ‘I don’t want ritual at all’. Have you noticed in homes where no ritual is performed, the energy is low? For there is no celebration, no vibrancy. Performing some sort of ritual, some sort of chanting or reading in home creates positive ions in the atmosphere and also has a good impact on children. That’s why I would say don’t be stuck too much with ritual but also don’t drop rituals altogether. Adopt a middle path. Like on Christmas you light a candle, you put up a Christmas tree.On Diwali you light lamps, decorate homes, exchange sweets, burn a couple of incense sticks. Also on Eid you clean homes, perform prayers, there is function. Whenever there is little bit of ritual, it creates a good atmosphere especially for children and develops a healthy, social, religious and spiritual kind of mind. Don’t you think so?
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3 May 1976 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium
[A sannyasin mother says she is having problems in her relationship: I find myself being very bitchy
and nagging sometimes. I feel I’m just asking for a fight all the time.]
Mm mm, love always brings trouble – and it has to be faced. Love cannot be always smooth, and it
is good that it is not always smooth, otherwise you would not grow.
Whenever there is a change, any sort of change, things will come into focus more clearly. When
change disturbs you, all your inner disturbances are stirred. You are both feeling disturbed and both
trying to throw the responsibility on the other. Just try to see it inside yourself. The other is never
responsible. Remember that as a mantra: The other is never responsible….

Just watch it … just watch it. If you become wise in the moment, there will be no problem. This is
wisdom that you get later on. Everybody becomes wise when the moment is gone. Retrospective
wisdom is worthless. When you are picking on something, at that very moment become aware, and
let awareness function. Immediately you will drop it.But when you have done everything and fought and nagged and bitched and then you become wise and see that there was no point in it, it is too late. It is meaningless – you have done the harm. This wisdom is just pseudo-wisdom. It gives you a feeling as if you have understood. That is a trick of the ego. This wisdom is not going to help. When you were doing the thing, at that very moment,
simultaneously, the awareness should arise, and you should see that it is useless.
If you can see it when it is there, then you cannot do it. One can never go against one’s awareness,
and if one goes against it, that awareness is not awareness. Something else is being mistaken for
it.

So remember, the other is never responsible for anything. It is something boiling within you. And of
course the one you love is closest to you. You cannot throw it on some stranger passing on the road,
so the closest person becomes the place where you go on throwing and pouring your nonsense.
But that has to be avoided, because love is very fragile. If you do it too much, if you overdo it, love
can disappear.

The other is never responsible. Try to make this such a permanent state of awareness in you that
whenever you start finding something wrong with the other, remember it. Catch yourself redhanded,
and drop it then and there. And ask to be forgiven.

And the second thing. Don’t think that love is eternal. It is very fragile. It is as fragile as a rose
flower. In the morning it is there – by the evening it is gone. Any small thing can destroy it. In fact
the higher a thing, the more fragile it is. It has to be protected. A rock will remain there but the flower
will be gone. If you throw a rock against the flower, the rock is not going to be hurt, but the flower
will be destroyed.

Love is very fragile and very delicate. One has to be very very careful and cautious about it. You can
do such harm that the other becomes closed, becomes defensive. That’s how one becomes closed.
If you are fighting too much he will start escaping you; he will start becoming more and more cold,
more and more closed, so he is no more vulnerable to your attack. Then you will attack him more
because you will resist that coldness. This can become a vicious circle. And that’s how lovers fall
apart by and by. They drift away from each other, and they think that the other was responsible, that
the other betrayed them.

In fact as I see it, no lover has ever betrayed anybody. It is only ignorance that kills love – nobody betrays it. Both wanted to be together, but somehow both were ignorant. Their ignorance played tricks upon them and became multiplied. By and by they drifted. Then they think that love is dangerous.

Love is not dangerous. Only unawareness is dangerous.
There are many people who avoid love just to be on safe ground. There are people who don’t want
to get committed in any relationship because they know that once you are committed and you come
close, fighting starts, resistance starts, and ugly things bubble up, so what is the point? At the most
they are interested in sexual relationships, but not in intimacy. And unless a relationship is intimate
and deep, you will never know what relationship is. Just a sexual relationship is a peripheral thing,
and you will never be contented by it.

These things are natural. One has to accept them and by and by transcend them. If you feel too
much anger, move into your room, beat the pillow, cry, weep, scream, but do it alone. Why show
your ugly face to the other? What is the point? Just cathart.

A wise person moves through his unhappiness alone, and whenever he is happy, comes and shares
it with people. A fool shares his unhappiness with people, and when he is happy he sits alone.

[Another sannyasin said she too was having difficulties in her relationship. Her boyfriend felt less
and less like making love and this made her upset and frustrated, and she then became aggressive
towards him. She said they were also at variance over how they used their money, as she wanted
to be thrifty so they could stay in Poona longer, while he spent money easily and seemingly with no
thought for the future.]

First thing: a moment always comes in life when one of the partners will not feel like having sex.
It happens to every couple more or less. When the other person does not want to have sex, the
other clings to it more than ever. The other starts feeling that if there is no sex, the relationship will
disappear.

The more you ask for it, the more afraid he will feel. The relationship will disappear – not because
sex has disappeared, but because you go on demanding and he feels nagged continuously and he
does not feel like making love. He can either force himself and then he will feel bad, or if he goes his
own way, he feels bad that he is making you unhappy; he feels guilty.

One thing has to be understood – that sex has nothing to do with love. At the most it is a beginning. Love is greater than sex, higher than sex. Love can flower without sex.

[She answers: But he’ll never say he loves me.]

No, you are making him afraid, because if he says that he loves you, you are ready there asking for

sex. In your mind, love is almost synonymous with sex, that I can see. That’s why he has become

even afraid to touch and hug you. If he hugs you, touches you, you are ready.

You are making him afraid and you are not seeing the point. You are pushing him away unknowingly.

He will become afraid to even talk to you because he talks and again the situation comes up and

argument and this and that. You cannot argue about love. You cannot convince anybody about love.

If he doesn’t feel it, he doesn’t.

He loves you, otherwise he would leave you. And you love him but you have a wrong understanding

about sex. My understanding is this, that love starts growing for the first time when the hectic

feverish sex has gone, has by and by slowed down. Then love becomes more and more settled,

finer, superior. Something delicate starts happening. But you are not allowing it to happen. He is

ready to love you but you are clinging to sex. You go on pulling him down. That pulling him down

may destroy the whole relationship.
I can understand, because the feminine mind always clings to sex only when the man is not
interested. If the man is interested, the woman is completely uninterested. I see this every day. If the
man is after you, you play the game that you are uninterested. When the man is not interested, you
become afraid, and then the whole role changes. Then you start playing the game that you need it,
that without it you will go crazy; that you cannot live without it. All that is just nonsense! Nobody has
ever gone mad without it!

If you love the person, your energy will be transformed. If you don’t love the person, then drop
out. If you love the person, the energy has a chance now to transform to a higher reality. Use that
opportunity. And nagging is not going to help. It will make everything more ugly and it will do just
the opposite of what you want. Money is not important… and it may be just a trick to control.

[Osho said that they could either be here for longer, both in conflict, unhappy, or stay a shorter time
more happily.]

Just see the point. It is a question of quality, not of quantity. How many days you are here is
irrelevant. You may be here for only one day, but if you are really with me and happy and celebrating,
that’s enough. That will change your whole life.
And this is how things go. If you are too miserly, he will spend too much because that will become
just an act of being free. He will show you that you cannot control him. If you don’t control him, he
himself may understand that he is unnecessarily wasting money. But let him see!

Women are very money-minded; more interested in the material part of life, and they miss many things. That’s why you don’t see great women poets, great women painters, great women saints. They are more interested in ordinary things. Anything that has a qualitative dimension seems meaningless to them. Money will be more meaningful than music. They miss much. They think that they are very practical; they are not. This is the most absurd practicality there is – to lose quality for quantity.

Tell him that whatsoever he feels like, to do, and that you can be here for as many days as possible,
but let these days be beautiful. Sometimes even a single moment can be such a transformation.
There are many people who choose quantity, who would like to live a hundred years, never thinking
whether their life has anything to live for, whether anything is coming out of their life, flowering. Just
living for a hundred years is meaningless….

[Osho recounted an incident in Emerson’s life when, at the age of sixty, he was asked his age by
one of his peers.

Emerson replied that he was three hundred and sixty; The man repeated his question, thinking
Emerson must have misheard him. Emerson said that, like the questioner, he was sixty, but he had
lived three hundred and sixty years in those sixty years. He was saying that he had lived a qualitative
life.]

It is possible to live three hundred years in three seconds, because when you move in the qualitative
dimension, the dimension of quality, intensity is the only value.
Be here for one month – but be fully here. And always remember, I am not talking philosophy. I am
very pragmatic.
Whatsoever I am saying are very practical things. Mm? Just try to see it. Good !

[Another sannyasin says: Very often when I am going to sleep, just before I become unconscious,
my body jerks and my heart seems to beat very fast, and there is a feeling of fear.]
Is there any disturbance in sleep? You feel perfectly well when you get up?
[The sannyasin answers: Yes, sleep is good.]

Then don’t be worried. It has something to do with your meditations. Allow it and don’t hold it. If a
jerk comes, allow it.
It is just a change of gear inside the energy. It happens to everybody when you move from
wakefulness into sleep, but you have become aware of it, that’s all. It is a good sign, a good sign of
awareness of something very subtle. It is just like changing gears in a car.

Whenever you go from wakefulness to sleep, or from sleep to wakefulness, that change happens.
Whenever you go from dreaming to a non-dreaming sleep, again the gear changes. By and by, if
you become really perceptive and aware, you will feel that whenever a mood changes, a subtle gear
inside you changes. There is a small click – it can almost be heard.

You are angry and then anger goes. Your whole mechanism has to change because for anger
the whole mechanism goes into a different type of working. It gets ready for being angry. The
mechanism prepares either for fight or fight. When the anger goes, again the mechanism relaxes
to the normal state of affairs and the gear changes. It changes with every emotion. From waking
to sleep, one becomes aware more easily. Then you become aware of the second – moving from
sleep into waking.

It is more difficult than the first because you are asleep. You cannot feel the jerk so easily unless
you become a little aware in your sleep. Then you will feel the third gear that changes in moving
between dreams and no-dreams, and then the fourth which changes when moving from no-dream
to dream. And so on and so forth.

You will become aware that anger, love, hatred, jealousy, all have a small mechanism inside you,
and that whenever one of them functions, the body manages in a different way. An angry person is
a totally different person.

It is as if the country is at war. The whole shape of the country changes. The army becomes more
important. Democratic freedom becomes meaningless and the country goes dictatorial. Luxuries
are no more important. Life is geared for war.

When the war goes, the military subsides into the background. Things bubble up and come to the
surface – life again starts singing and enjoying. Now life is geared to peace.
The same happens in the body continuously. And that’s why people who move from one emotion
to another too much, have too much wear and tear. Their inner mechanism is almost always in bad
shape. A person who remains silently in one climate has a different harmony.
But it is good that you have become aware.

[Another sannyasin says: I feel like I’ve been ripped open with a knife. I have a sensitivity for
everything around me and my world just seems blown apart.]

Mm mm… the more one makes a world, the more one creates problems around it. Then there is
always the fear of its getting blown. So don’t make a world. One should start living without a world.
One moment is enough. Live it, and then the next moment comes. But we dream, project, and
create an illusory world, then again and again it comes up against reality. Reality is not going to be
shattered by your dreams. The dreams will shatter.

So learn a lesson – don’t project worlds. They create frustrations and misery and anguish. Just live
this moment, that’s all. Then wait, and when the next moment comes we will see. One has to learn
how to live in danger and insecurity – then it never comes, because there is no world to be blown.
Otherwise the balloon is going to burst. The mind has a tendency to go on giving more and more air
to the balloon so it goes on getting bigger and bigger and bigger; until one day it bursts.

One has to come to understand that life is insecure and there is no way to make it .secure, no way
at all. If you ask for the impossible, you ask for trouble. Some people get into love and then they
start thinking of marriage and children, and they create the whole problem. If I say to them not to
get married, not to have children, they think ’Why are you saying this? We want to!’ You want to –
and then you get into trouble.


[Osho went on to say that the relationship between this sannyasin and her husband had not been
going well for some time but they had avoided facing up to that. He suggested they sit down together
and sort things out; should find out whether they still loved each other or not. If love was not there
then nothing could be solved. Once love was there everything could be solved. Otherwise, [your
husband] could solve one problem and she would create another and the basic problem would
remain untouched.]

And don’t be worried – I am here. If you don’t bring problems, what am I going to do? When you
bring problems you make me very happy (laughter).
[A sannyasin who is a theoretical physicist, says: My mind feels very slow and dull, and my thoughts
feel as if they ’re moving through treacle. It feels rather strange.]

It is strange but it is very good. Everything has to slow down, and there comes a moment when
everything stops, even time stops. Suddenly you are in an eternal now… nothing moves.
It is very strange. Even a slowing down of the process is very strange. One becomes afraid because
one has always lived in such a hurry; so many thoughts and desires and ambitions, running and
chasing this and that. It is as if somebody is mad and suddenly becomes sane. Everything will slow
down because a madman is moving fast. His mind goes on at jet speed. He is almost a whirl-wind.
But this is good. That is the whole taoist attitude about life – to slow down, to become a dullard.

[The sannyasin adds: At night I’ve been dreaming a lot, and in my dreams I’m very fast.]
Let it be so. That may just be a catharsis. You have slowed down a little in the day, so somewhere
the mind has to take revenge. Somewhere it will; it is good. Dreams will also disappear. And it may
not be exactly as you are reporting. It may just be that you have become a little alert in your sleep
so you remember more about dreams.
Everybody dreams. There are almost eight cycles of dreaming in one night. One goes on revolving
in a wheel. There is almost twenty minutes of dreaming, then a twenty-minute or forty-minute gap,

and then again twenty minutes of dreaming. Many people will say in the morning that they have not
dreamt at all. They all dream. The only thing is that they are not at all alert, not even slightly alert,
and they cannot remember.

When they do remember, they remember the last dream that they had just before waking – and that
too, they never remember rightly. You remember only the tail part because that is what is there when
you wake. The whole elephant is gone, and only the tail remains. You have to go backwards if you
want to find the elephant.

Even then many things are missed and the mind starts adding things, and interpreting whatsoever
was in your dreams. You add many things because the mind is such that it cannot allow any gaps.
[Osho concluded by talking about how the different interpretations of dreams change according to
the influences in one’s life. For example, freudian patients, people undergoing freudian analysis, will
have freudian dreams, while jungian patients will have jungian dreams.
Because the mind is coloured by the different schools of thought, it interprets the dreams accordingly.
Hence, if one dreams of a large, rounded, pillar-shaped object, a freudian will interpret it as a phallus,
while the jung-oriented mind will interpret it as a shivalinga and give it religious connotations.

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Self Love

Self loveToday, morning I was going through a book called “Spirituality of Love”. I ask some question to you? Do you love yourself, Do you like the things which you do, why do you do certain type of activity, why do you like yourself.

These questions are really interesting to brood over. Every body loves himself. When ever society says, bad words to him, he becomes unhappy. In those moments also, he tries to find out some way to modify her mistake, so that he can be happy.

Self love, meaning you loves yourself. You love your work, you love your activity, you love your habbit, you love you way of living and all that which is yours. These all’s are yours. You can’t imagine yourself without all these. If you want to change these you become unhappy, yes you can’t change suddenly but you can change a little in a long time. (Be careful change only the bad habbit).

Now question is there any relationship between self love and your love. Your love means the girl to whom you love. There is a great relation between both. If you love yourself then you will truly love your love also. I mean your love must have something (qualities) which is yours.

 Take an example; suppose you love to help the people, (a good quality to have), Your love must have this quality to remain happy to you. When ever she will help somebody, you will feel like you are the one who is in the part of act. You will like her attitude. You will be happy to see your love acting like that.

Take another example to explain the logic, like you are a shy guy, you don’t like to be open among a lot of people, at the same time you love to talk with the people. You must find this quality in your love. If you will find this one, you will enjoy a lot. Your heart will feel spiritually elevated.

   

Taken from beta blogger written one year ago and not nicely written

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